I'm not sure how I'm counting for a number of reasons. Is this the infamous day 6 we've been waiting for, or do I have to start doing some embarrassing math calculations? Is this technically day 9?
Whatever the case, the questions remains. Where have I been? Have I accomplished the goals I set out for myself?
Many goals are accomplished, yes, but a intimidating majority remains. Two portfolios are yet to be done, (there's another class that will probably have one too, but it's a joke) I need to make a PowerPoint, review an article, create a reading inventory exercise,administer it, and come up with a reading list for one particular student... There's more, but I can't think about it right now.
There's a line from Melvill's Bartleby the Scrivenger in which the central character responds to every request or demand with, "I prefer not to." I think he dies in a debtor's prison, but intellectually, I fear he's my role model. I do what I want to do, or do I? Decisively ciphering out what I really want to be doing is a tricky business–especially to maintain. When I'm in my car, on the way to school, I am happy. I know I'm doing the right thing. I usually don't mind being in class. When I'm at by desk with a list in front of me and my history behind me, I feel alone. Alone in the sense that I can't (or won't) even picture other people living and working. I think like a dead man, whose connection with everything living is severed and irrelevant, fertile soil for folly and sin.
Since I last wrote, I can say I've essentially alternated between good and bad days. Thank you all for writing. I am away on Long Island, but we'll be home Sunday afternoon. Here's hoping for a more lucid and hopeful report Sunday evening.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Sometimes I think that with dad being a pilot, we didn't really get a good taste of how most people toil to make their living. It always seemed to me that dad's job mostly entailed flying airplanes and waiting around. We never actually saw him "toil", except maybe with projects that he chose to do. This isn't to criticize dad, he is probably one of the hardest working people I know.
ReplyDeleteI don't endorse all the "theology" of The Shack, but it does offer a good visual picture of working on something with Jesus (or Him working on something with us). To the extent You can be aware of His fellowship with you in your work, thinking, deciding, etc., it is a less lonely venture.
ReplyDeleteJeff I think theology needs at least 2 maybe 3 sets of quotations in that sentence.
ReplyDeleteI thought they found Bartleby folded over on the floor of his office, dead? I don't remember. He died alone and it was kinda sad overall. But on the otherhand, he didn't do too many things that didn't appela to him. Maybe that's the true message of Bartleby, you must strive to keep out negativity, poor influences, and other things that can harm your personal growth! (This is not the true message of Bartleby.)