B-5: So much for the list

Today I was reminded to never take credit for my friends, but to thank God for them.

B-4: At the end of the day.

These last few entries have been more reflective than preparatory, but I have no qualms about this because my number one accountability partner has been at my side (no school for her this week).

Today was a good day, but I will try to organize a broad scope to-do list before the day ends tomorrow.

Goodnight.

B-3: Reasons for praise

The semester is 95% behind me, and it turns out that hard work does pay off. I got A's and B's (mostly B's, but who's counting?). The results are a bit better than I expected, and it's been interesting to note my emotional response to the news. Immediately, I felt like patting myself on the back and chiding myself for being so worried. "Of course you got good grades! You worked harder to get it done than you ever have!" But that internal dialogue is followed by a certain suspicion that I would chide my incompetence and laziness had I gotten poor grades: grades–to my mind–dictate, rather than reflect the merit of my efforts in my own perception.

This is stunning news to me, because consciously, I've felt that grades are a subjective ballpark assessment of achievement and I have rarely felt the need to take the judgment seriously. Now I don't know how or if grades matter to me or not. If they did, why would I settle for, or risk, a mediocre grade when I knew I was capable of more? But if grades really don't matter to me, why would that stop me from learning and doing my best anyway? Why not get good grades and simply pay little attention? I feel that I've known people who do this, but I always suspect it's some kind of act, but I don't know.

Anyway, big tangent, and I'm exhausted. Shannon and I had a good budget meeting today. I will post my tasks to accomplish tomorrow.

B-2: Resting Efficiently

The title seems like a contradiction, but less so as I think about it.

I am currently on Long Island which is a little bit of a challenge, because it's hard to find the right thing to be doing when not in one's usual space. I am glad we made it here safely.

JB: Thanks for encouraging the functionality of this blog and for your apparent willingness to browse through my inane bits of chatter in the service of accountability. I am very happy to report that next semester is meant to be a full day (normal) schedule: 7-5 at maximum. Some weekly or bi-weekly ritual should come of this so long as it's part of an overall productive routine.

Lady Maphet: Looking ahead and looking behind sounds like a very good goal for me this season. I am not 100% sure that everything is resolved from last semester, so that will be the priority the Monday I get back from this island. An around the house project I should really get to involves stapling fabric to the ceilings in the basement. As for your current routine, "blessed are the peacemakers."

I officially announce that I will not be blogging until the 28th of December. I will endeavor to spend this time not feeling guilty about it.

B-1: Begining again

Today is pretty straight forward: drive to Long Island.

I do need to use this space to figure out some of my priorities while I'm on break. It's been a lot of fun, and we're especially glad that Shannon got two snow days for a full week off from work, but I'm seeing more clearly that this should also be a productive period. It won't be if I don't identify the things that are important now that the things that are necessary are out of the way.

In addition, I don't want this blog to become boring.

Let me know if there is anything in particular I should be doing or should write about.

To B or not to B?

Now that the semester is over, I am very tempted to abandon this thing, but I'm pretty sure that plan of action would lead to and example of Jesus' swept house principle: if you kick a demon out of the house, make sure you don't keep the house empty so he can come back later and crash it with friends (paraphrase).

Still, having my schedule more or less emptied feels so nice, that I'm reluctant to fill it, to be on myself even when I'm on vacation.

I'm sticking with my principles. Next entry will be "B:1" because I did not properly plan to be away. I should have written again and I didn't.

Today's to-do's are to have company over. Yay!Tomorrow involves traveling to New York to visit in-laws. Should be interesting. I think babysitting will be involved.

A-7: Snow Day!

My to-do list is gloriously empty!

A-6: Continued

Sucker's done...amen

A-6: It's the Final Countdown

Just got back from a two hour exam. Three essay questions, I wrote six pages (my handwriting is a bit big). As is typical of me, I feel my details were a bit shallow, but my concepts were amazing. Let's hope my professor was bowled over by my literary prowess.

Now that I'm home, I don't want to do squat, but my to do list still hangs above me (actually to the side of this text). I must persevere. I don't want to. But I must....

to be continued...

A-5: Still Alive

My last entry was long winded, so I'll keep this short.

Today has been a good day, a hard day but a good day. Revising the Unit plans was incredibly tedious, and once again, I think I went about it the hard way. I think I did a good job, though.

I have to put some data together tonight from a reading inventory, there's an article I need to review, a reading list to put together and a test tomorrow.

I would much rather play Rock Band.

Tomorrow perhaps.

A-4: Truth and Consequences

I've made another decision about the labeling system. What should I do when I know I've dropped the ball on my objective, but I haven't missed an entry date? You see, most of yesterday and all of last night (till 2:00 in the morning) was absolutely pathetic. I kissed Shannon goodnight and went to the office to, "work," which turned into watching Beatles interviews on Youtube and getting into a squabble in an online game environment.

The game is called Ikariam, and involves gathering resources and building colonies. Like many on-line games it is always on, and if you don't check in regularly, you could find your town pillaged and your progress set back...etc. It has a vacation mode which I activated this morning. Vacation mode prohibits me from accessing the game for at least two days and should really be called, "I actually have work to do mode."

This morning, I paid dearly for my choices, but also added another piece of evidence to the "Luke knows how to get work done when he want to" file. For the record, the approach I used this morning is pretty straight forward: I made my own tutorial.

Tutorials

The tutorials I've used in the past were step by step instruction for operating 3D software and video editing programs. It begins we me asking the question of how I accomplish something and then finding the instructions that will walk me through it. I can also put together a chair (or probably build a rocket) if I have step by step instructions.


I don't understand why this works for me, but it's almost soothing to free myself from making decisions by having them made in advance. And that's the trick I was able to pull off this morning. I broke everything down into as small pieces as I could manage and made a check list.

As great as this technique is, it has limits. It's quite rigid, and when I get to a point where I need a certain resource or lack clear instruction, I throw an invisible hissy fit. I'm barely aware of it, but I'm sure that subconsciously I'm on the floor kicking my feet and pounding my fists. That's when the conscious part of me leaves the room and follows any desire that's attractive at the moment.

All that to justify my labeling system. I figure that as long as I make it here to unspool my thoughts and experiences in writing, then I'm doing the right thing. I want to break the pattern of abandoning everything when one thing goes wrong and getting to day A-5 might just be a helpful incentive. Not to mention I enjoy hearing from you all. It breaks through some of the isolation.

Thanks for reading.

A-3: Psalm 51:17

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, oh God, you will not despise."

Sometimes I develop a view of the ideal Christian walk. It is joyous, triumphant, "easy and light." It is a view of the stage from the auditorium. The spectacle and the accolades seem right there and glorious. I covet the product without any understanding of the process, but there is another public spectacle that deserves closer attention as it is much closer to my point of need.

The notion of sacrifice is repugnant. The spilt blood and helplessness is so fundamental to our condition that we turn our heads and avert our eyes. Yet this is to be the posture of our hearts before our Holy God as we willingly present them to the Lord. In this terrifying state of vulnerability we are called to live.

The faith of Abraham is truly remarkable, but we need the posture of Isaac.

A-2 Ready or not, Friday's coming.

I'm in bed, typing with one hand, so I'll keep this short.

Today went well. Portfolio=Done. The first one, anyway. I have to make two more, one for Effective Teaching, and one for Exceptional learners. The one for student teaching has a fair amount of writing involved.

Today the bulk of my Teaching English in High School ended with a dinner at my professor's house and Shannon got to come and meet my professor and the two students I've probably spent the most time with. It was a nice evening, but unfortunately, there is some revising and a few odds and ends that need to be resolved. But a major chunk is out of the way so there's cause for celebration and thanksgiving!

Tomorrow will be a full day of self directed work. The success of this semester seems to hang in the balance. I'll need some air support from the heavenly places, so send up requests! Also, pray for Shannon. This semester has been taxing on both of us, and we've really missed our evenings together.

Pray that I will follow the Lord and that I will lead us in His footsteps.

A-1 Science for the Soul

I think I've solved my, "what day of the journey is this?" problem.

First, an amendment. I'm aiming for one entry a day instead of two. In my entries, I'll be focusing on what I'm learning, what works and what doesn't, and I'll keep updating the projects that remain in the air and boast (in Christ) of their crushing defeat.

The title of this entry should clue you into my day labeling strategy. The goal, as stated is to write everyday. If I fall into a rebellious funk and know I need to repent and pick up my mat, I kick back to day one, but it's under a new letter's journey:B-1, B-2...etc. To me, this is a nice way of illustrating an encouraging truth. Even when I do fail, I never go back completely to square one. I'm in a new phase, it's a different journey, and (believe it or not) that gives me hope.

The second advantage to this strategy, from a scientific point if view, is that it allows me to review seasons of my life that were particularly blessed, or perplexing. Perhaps I'll make it to D-40, or G through J will be a series of false starts. I can review those seasons and track what was going on in my life and maybe even pinpoint what was effective for me or where I began to lose my way.

I have a lot of organizing to do this evening. I've been trying to work in 20 minute burst with 5 minute breaks to catch my breath. When it works, it works well. When it doesn't, (which means I've told myself to work and then ignored myself to read the Drudge Report or something) I usually have at least one chance to identify my folly before I crash and burn. Of course, even then, repentance is an option.

I'm certainly looking forward to the end of this semester. My to-do list should be a lot more interesting. I have a project in mind for my dad, and I think I'm going to write a Christmas song. I have music figured out, but the lyrics have been elusive*.

But, like I said, there is much work to do. I've recently taken a look at all the folders Shannon had to do for her Teaching degree, and it's making me feel like a total chump. I'm glad she's on my team, though.

*allusive, illusive, and elusive are all words. Can you guess their meanings?

Day ?

I'm not sure how I'm counting for a number of reasons. Is this the infamous day 6 we've been waiting for, or do I have to start doing some embarrassing math calculations? Is this technically day 9?

Whatever the case, the questions remains. Where have I been? Have I accomplished the goals I set out for myself?

Many goals are accomplished, yes, but a intimidating majority remains. Two portfolios are yet to be done, (there's another class that will probably have one too, but it's a joke) I need to make a PowerPoint, review an article, create a reading inventory exercise,administer it, and come up with a reading list for one particular student... There's more, but I can't think about it right now.

There's a line from Melvill's Bartleby the Scrivenger in which the central character responds to every request or demand with, "I prefer not to." I think he dies in a debtor's prison, but intellectually, I fear he's my role model. I do what I want to do, or do I? Decisively ciphering out what I really want to be doing is a tricky business–especially to maintain. When I'm in my car, on the way to school, I am happy. I know I'm doing the right thing. I usually don't mind being in class. When I'm at by desk with a list in front of me and my history behind me, I feel alone. Alone in the sense that I can't (or won't) even picture other people living and working. I think like a dead man, whose connection with everything living is severed and irrelevant, fertile soil for folly and sin.

Since I last wrote, I can say I've essentially alternated between good and bad days. Thank you all for writing. I am away on Long Island, but we'll be home Sunday afternoon. Here's hoping for a more lucid and hopeful report Sunday evening.

Day 5 - Ugg

Yesterday was very, very hard. I'm so tired.

I've just finished writing a paper about postcolonialism with some help from my good friend, Tom. It wasn't easy, and it isn't a great paper, but it was a lot easier than the paper I wrote yesterday on No Child Left Behind. Just miserable the whole way though.

Yesterday was productive overall, but I just want to be finished.

Day 4 - Manuel Cognitive Discipline

Another drug free day today (no Adderall that is).

I've got a two screen set up for my computer, so I'm using the second screen to keep a time log. When I decide to start or finish a task, I write it down. For me, everyday should be "Time Awareness Day."

Shannon was good enough to edit my paper from yesterday, so I'm going to begin by editing it because that will be fairly easy.

Goals:

Edit and print paper

Finish and submit NCLB paper.

Complete on-line evaluation for Effective Teaching Class.

Write an article response for Content Area Reading.

Attend Analysis of student teaching.

Lunch

Make a new plan.

This should be interesting. Special thanks to Tom who is helping me out with a research paper. Have a good day!

Evening 3 - Feeling Week

I hate saying, "pun intended," so I'm going to pretend I didn't.

The reflection is done, and it is epic. They should give me a diploma and job based on it alone. The other stuff on the list as also turned back into "stuff" in my mind. I can no longer look at it piece by piece, it's just an ugly clump in the corner.

Today was mostly a "rest" day. We got a Christmas tree and did some shopping at Sam's. I took a nap till about 4 because I was up till 2ish Saturday night working on that darn reflection. I burned 5:00-5:40 just surfing around, doing nothing important.

...I did a few things around the house with Shannon, and I did some reading for a paper I need to write by Tuesday, but I really feel like 6:00-9:30 has been a blur. Didn't get anything finished.

Thanks for checking with me. Shannon and I are going to get Christmas stuff out and brainstorm my lesson plans.

Day 3 - "I get high of G-O-D"

No drugs today. I'll wait on what the doc says.

I'll need to pray about what to accomplish. Sabbaths are tricky things.

Keep it holy.

Evening 2 - Let there be light

Most of the time, my obstacles to productivity are internal, but today was a good reminder that that isn't always the case. There are external distractions aplenty. I had a hard time getting things together this morning, being up late didn't help, and there was the issue with the phone.

The phone was found by my Dad in the church dumpster. Exactly how it got there will never be fully known. There were a lot of little kids running around at Fabulous Friday and it may be that one of them was trying to be helpful.

So that was one thing done by around 12:30. I don't even really know what happened between then and 2:38 when I finally started writing my reflection log. I know I did some organizing and ate lunch. Seems like the phone rang a lot.

Once I finally got started actually writing the reflection, I fell into the second part of my problem: getting way too into it.

No point griping about it now, though.

It's 10:00pm. I certainly don't have much time for blogging. I am thankful that as meager as my success was today, I don't feel like a failure. (Although that sentence did take me 10 minutes to type.)

Back to the grind till midnight at the latest!

Day 2 – Breaking the Law

I'm going against orders, but I don't think it will kill me. I'm pretty sure the chest sensation has more to do with push-ups than than the Adderall, and I waiting till Monday just isn't something I want to do. I have enough uncertainty as it is.

This morning has already been difficult. It's 11:00 and I'll need at least an hour before I can even start work. I'm actually looking forward to it and trying to plan strategically. It reminds me of playing chess; (which I've never been particularly good at) the secret is to be thinking 3 or 4 steps ahead at all times.

Goals for today:

Find my phone.

Write the reflection logs from my teaching experience.

Outline my 10 day Unit Plan.

Design the class reading assessment.

Finish my Student Notebook for Content Reading Areas.

That's a lot. Probably shouldn't try any more than that.

Evening 1 – And there was evening and morning the first day

Well, today was a mixed bag. Some of the goodies included a good morning with two reflective logs down; I have a rough outline of what I need to do this weekend; (if you cross your eyes just right, it's less daunting) I also have a very interesting take on the unit plan I need to develop. I'm going to base it on monsters, particularly those that wrestle with their nature such as Frankenstein's monster, The Incredible Hulk, and Lenny from Of Mice and Men. I found a portrait of Frankenstein (Frankenstein's monster technically) by Picasso, and it's quite inspiring.



I mentioned a mixed bag...

One frustration is that this is my first day taking Adderall and I have to stop taking it at least until Monday because I felt a little tightening in my chest and that's the kind of thing I'm supposed to call the doc about, but he wasn't there, so the doctor who was there (this is on the phone by the way) told me to stop taking it and to wait for a call from my doctor on Monday.

But I still have you, and I'm really honored that so many have contacted me in various ways.

I'm going to spend some time with Shannon. Hope you have a goodnight, and if the Lord wills, I'll see you in the morning.

Day 1

This is the start of an experiment. New chemicals are racing though my brain, and what the net effect will be over time, I do not know. I felt that I should journal the experience. Maybe once a day, maybe twice. I can say off the bat that I'm thinking differently. My experience of time has slowed considerably, my thinking is...clearer? That isn't certain yet.

While getting dressed, I had grand visions for this blog, and its first entry, but now that I'm actually sitting down to type, I've come to a bit of a loss. I know I don't have time to say everything I want to say about myself and my vision. (And now that I see it in writing, it seems self serving.)

I have work to do. I'll let you know how it goes and reflect on it later.